If Ever I Would Leave You, as sung to Iraq by George W. Bush

This is the second in a series of songs from "Camelot", redone to fit the magical kingdom of George W. Bush. The first was Bush's Gourd, as in being out of your gourd, to be sung to the music of the title song. There was also an earlier piece, Bush's Ode to the Iraq War, to be sung to the music of the refrain from "September Song".

If Ever I Would Leave You.
(music by Frederick Loewe, original lyrics by Alan J. Lerner)

If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer.
Knowing you in summer, I never would go.
The surge going greatly, your towns red with flame,
your Council of Reps that puts ours to shame.

But if I'd ever leave you, It couldn't be in Autumn,
Since in Autumn you have Ra-ma-dan.
I know how you pray so, and people must fast,
I know you in Autumn so I must stand fast.

And could I leave you running elections in the sand,
With Winter's coldness helping you take a stand?

If ever I would leave you, How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by your oil?

Oh, no! not in spring-time! Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!


Original lyrics:

If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,Your lips red as flame,
Your face with a lustre that puts gold to shame!

But if I'd ever leave you, It couldn't be in autumn.
How I'd leave in autumn I never will know.
I've seen how you sparkle When fall nips the air.
I know you in autumn And I must be there.

And could I leave you merrily running through the snow?
Or on awintry evening when you catch the fire's glow?

If ever I would leave you,How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?

Oh, no! not in spring-time! Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

Bush's Gourd, as in being out of your gourd

From the Merriam-Webster online dictionary:
Main Entry: gourd
Function: noun
2: the fruit of a gourd : any of various hard-rinded inedible fruits of plants of two genera often used for ornament or for vessels and utensils
— out of one's gourd also off one's gourd : CRAZY

BUSH'S GOURD

(To be sung to the music of the title song of "Camelot."
Music by Frederick Loewe. Original lyrics by Alan J. Lerner)

A plan was made a distant time ago here
Congress and the Courts should be ignored
And there’s a certain limit to the laws here
In Bush’s gourd

There’s always time for bicycling and training
But not for reading memos to get bored
And not much time to listen to complaining
In Bush’s gourd.

Bush’s gourd! Bush’s gourd!
I know it sounds a bit far out
But in Bush’s gourd, Bush’s gourd
There's never any doubt.

Al-Qaeda and Saddam did 9/11.
Democracy is thriving in Iraq
Here no news is untoward
And no ones’ ox is gored
So join in on the fantasy that’s here
In Bush’s gourd

There’s always time for bicycling and training
But not for reading memos to get bored
And not much time to listen to complaining
In Bush’s gourd.

Bush’s gourd! Bush’s gourd!
I know, it’s pretty hard to take
But in Bush’s gourd, Bush’s gourd
There’s never a mistake

Weapons of Mass Destruction were all hidden
The recent surge is working in Iraq.
Here no news is untoward
And no ones’ ox is gored
So join in on the fantasy that’s here
In Bush’s gourd.
************

Here are the original lyrics.

A law was made a distant moon ago here:
July and August cannot be too hot.
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
In Camelot

The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot.
By order summer lingers through September
In Camelot

Camelot! Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are

The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot

The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot.
By order summer lingers through September
In Camelot

Camelot! Camelot!
I know it gives a person pause
But in Camelot, Camelot
Those are the legal laws.

The snow may never slush upon the hillside
By nine p.m. the moonlight must appear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.

Bush's Ode to the Iraq War

To be sung to the music of the refrain in "September Song"
(with apologies to Maxwell Anderson and Kurt Weill)

For it's a long, long time from May (07) to December (08)
And the funds grow short when you reach September (07)
As Iraqi insurgents turn the place to flame
Congress has no time for the waiting game

As my months (in office) dwindle down to a precious few
October, (Nov., Dec., ..., July, Aug.), September, …
Throughout these precious months I’ll stay (the course) with you
Throughout these months I’ll stay (the course) with you
*****************************

Here are the original lyrics, for those of you under fifty.

Oh, it's a long, long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
One hasn't got time for the waiting game

Oh, the days dwindle down to a precious few
September, November
And these few precious days I'll spend with you
These precious days I'll spend with you

The Twelve Days of 'Raq War

I wrote this several years ago, but it still seems appropriate. With apologies to "The Twelve Days of Christmas"! (Note: "Bremer Walls" was the nickname given to the concrete walls put all over the place by L. Paul Bremer, who ran things from May 2003 to May 2004. Titan was the contracting firm that supplied translators.)

The Twelve Days of ‘Raq War

On the first day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
A flak jacket in a Humvee

On the second day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the third day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the fourth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the fifth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Five ….Bre_mer… walls. …
Four roadside bombs,..
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the sixth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five … Bre_mer … walls. …
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the seventh day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five ..Bre_mer …walls. …
Four roadside bombs..
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the eighth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Eight gr’nades a launching
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five …Bre_mer … walls. ….
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the ninth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Nine Ayatollahs
Eight gr’nades a launching
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five… Bre_mer …walls. ….
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the tenth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me
Ten Titan translators,
Nine Ayatollahs,
Eight gr’nades a launching’
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five… Bre_mer … walls. …
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the eleventh day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me..
Eleven prisoners prancing
Ten Titan translators,
Nine Ayatollahs
Eight gr’nades a launching
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five …Bre_mer …walls. …
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.

On the twelfth day of ‘Raq War, My Rummy sent to me.
Twelve pipelines piping,
Eleven prisoners prancing
Ten Titan translators,
Nine Ayatollahs
Eight gr’nades a launching
Seven banking Blackhawks
Six suicidin’ Sunnis,
Five …Bre_mer… walls. …
Four roadside bombs,
Three fresh troops,
Two neocons,
And a flak jacket in a Humvee.